wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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