So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
