I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
