i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
