Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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