so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
