4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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