You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
just tell him i said nine months
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
