I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
So. Much. Porn.
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