I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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