You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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