Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
