Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
