After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
