I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
