So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
