We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
