I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
