this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
