Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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