Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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