Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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