just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
