There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
