totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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