No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
