I cannot find my penis.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
