When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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