I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
