Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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