my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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