i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
