So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
PANTIES FOUND
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
