I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
