I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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