I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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