just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize
