Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
