Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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