Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Let's get the cat blown out
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
