i need an iv and a liver transplant
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
