New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
