Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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