Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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