drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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