He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
