we're blogging at a bar
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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