I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
