Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
