i would punch a child for taco bell
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
