I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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