Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so let's talk penis.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
