We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
