even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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