I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
