it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
