the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
