i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
