i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
