My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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