he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
