My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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