he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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