i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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